From the Verge of Divorce to America’s #1 Marriage Podcast Meet the hosts, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo
If the well-known statistic is true, half of American marriages are beyond repair and headed for divorce. How do these marriages go from walking down the aisle to walking into the divorce lawyer’s office, some of them in only a few years time? Marriage experts Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo speak to these issues in their #1 rated podcast One Extraordinary Marriage. Ironically, they were among the second half of the above statistic headed to divorce court early in their marriage. But Alisa claims they had to make a decision to take the option of divorce off the table in order to make things work.
“In 2003 Tony and I had to make a decision to take divorce off the table for our marriage. Several years later, when I discovered that he was involved in pornography, I did not have the option of divorce. That was a decision we made a long time ago. I had to figure out what our marriage looked like moving forward. I knew we had to figure out a way through. So there was a lot of prayer involved.”
In fact, prayer is an important part of turning a marriage around. When asked if marriages can be fixed without the element of faith, Alisa says it’s possible, but much, much harder. Faith makes the transformation faster. Otherwise the road can seem long and much more daunting. Using the truth of the Bible can keep two people on the same page when it comes to the rules of marriage. Otherwise, many people search in the dark for answers.
“There was a lot of Why us, God? Why me? But I knew that if I chose to be bitter, I would destroy my marriage. Once the seed of bitterness takes root, it is like a vine that grows everywhere in your heart. It’s a weapon that we use to beat each other up with. We tend to look at the past not the future. But we have to look towards the future and believe that God is going to fix and heal our spouse. And forgiveness is not just a one-time deal. Many times we have to forgive multiple times.” says Alisa.
Sexual intimacy is a huge theme of Tony and Alisa’s marriage podcast. On their weekly show, they frequently discuss sex and the importance of it. However, there are many topics covered through their books and courses. From communication to trust, to health and core values, these are the issues they believe most couples struggle with. One of the biggest current challenges for marriages is Hollywood, social media and the temptation to compare.
“Hollywood has really created this idea of what marriages should be and it’s false. It’s always glamorous. Forget stretch marks and midnight feedings and the time the garbage disposal backs up and you have this idea that marriage is supposed to be this super easy relationship that you don’t have to work at. Social media does the same thing. Many people just post the good things. Rarely do people post the times when they’re sitting there angry, with their arms crossed, sulking. There’s this whole life that’s going on behind the scenes of social media that we don’t see. And then we start playing the comparison game. Comparison is driving a wedge between many people these days. Everyone is looking outward and not really looking behind those pictures where there is usually a lot of disappointment and unmet expectations.”
The DiLorenzo’s started the path to healing their marriage and those unmet expectations when they committed to a 60-day sex challenge. They told their small group about this challenge and asked for accountability in working through their problems. In fact, asking people for help is an important step in the marriage renewal process. Alisa claims that many people think their marriage is unfixable. They don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ so they say nothing. But if they start with small steps and understand that it will take time and a lot of effort, most marriages can be turned around. Even a short 5-minute podcast can mean the difference of your marriage being great in a year, or it being headed towards divorce. The DiLorenzo’s have helped thousands of couples repair their marriage. And they say that sometimes it doesn’t take much.
“It’s amazing how far a small shift will go. Many times the beginning of fixing a marriage is acknowledgment…acknowledgment of the other person. In fact, just last night I told one of my clients, ‘If you feel any desire or anything good about your spouse I want you to verbalize it. Just tell him the good thing that you’re thinking about him.’ We need to hear the words. Both husband and wife have this need to feel seen. We want to know that we’re valued by our spouses. But many times they think “You know I love you. You get it.” But we still need to hear the actual words. And we need to be intentional about saying them as well.” Says Alisa.
In fact, being intentional about keeping your marriage healthy is key.
“Alisa and I didn’t get to where we are today just by sitting back and hoping something good would happen. We had to start leaning in and being intentional about our sexual intimacy. That’s why the 60-day sex challenge came about. We had to take some steps of faith. And it’s through that journey that we find ourselves here at 20 years of marriage, more in love and having better sex then when we got married! You don’t have to wait 20 years. You can do it now.” claims Tony.
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